Although I’ve never developed a serious disease I believe that, had I not begun to incorporate the many principles and practices that eventually came together to create the integrated approach that I call Deep Healing, I would have eventually. This is my story.
My awakening and healing began in earnest in my late twenties, around the time that my children were born. Previously, particularly in my teens and early adulthood I was pretty asleep to my true nature. I was painfully shy, insecure, arrogant, guarded, almost constantly irritated, and often sad and tense. After I had my children, I was exposed to many new things that inspired me: the vegetarian diet, holistic nutrition, intuitive movement, energy work, therapy, yoga, meditation and many things that had not previously been in my life. In a way, I felt like I was waking up and it was very exciting. At the same time I became painfully aware of the emotions that I had been carrying, and of the unhealthy patterns that ran through just about every aspect of my life. The next 10 years were extremely challenging. They included my marriage ending, hitting rock bottom financially, losing my home, and stress in pretty much every relationship I had, including my children.
I remember waking up one night, lying beside my then husband, and noticing a pain in my lower abdomen. Something said to me “Caroline, if you don’t deal with this, you will get sick”.
In my early forties, although I was continuing to make what I thought were health supportive choices, like whole foods, regular movement, meditation and emotional work, some health challenges were coming to the surface: waking up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep, low energy, poor digestion, gum disease, restless leg syndrome, and the scariest to me, abnormal cells in my cervix.
Around the same time, one of my clients uncovered the gift of channelling while I was doing energy work on him. Every time he came for a session, he would go into a deep trance state (meaning he couldn’t remember what he said when he ‘came back’) and tell me things about myself and my life that he could not have known otherwise. Of course this was quite amazing for me, and one day I asked the spirit guides that were speaking through him why this was happening. We were told that we had planned our meeting several lifetimes ago, and that we were to work together, seeing clients and doing readings. Before long, people began to come to see us for guidance. As he was lying on the energy work table with my hands under his head, he would begin to drop into a deep state. Within five minutes or so, the guides (including Edgar Cayce, the world renowned trance channel who died in 1945) would present themselves and the client was told to go ahead with questions. People would ask questions about their health, relationships, careers, past-lives and more. The guides had taught my friend to read the Akashic Records which is like an energetic computer system with information about individual lives as well as the collective life of humanity from the beginning to times. It was all very fascinating, and now I realize that I was receiving an education that would inform my healing and the work that I do now. A few things stand out from the hundreds of individual and group readings that we did. Everyone was told to meditate twice a day for 25 minutes. All souls come here with a purpose, and we are being influenced by karma from past lives. Everyone was told to clean up their diets, but to do it gradually at the same time as they worked with emotions and cleared their energy bodies. When people came with physical problems, pretty close to all of them were told that the ‘root cause’ was 100% emotional.
Around this time, a local naturopath offered to demonstrate her work by giving me an appointment. She hooked me up to a machine which could apparently detect any physical issues in my body. It also tells someone on a scale of 1 to 10 the probability of developing a particular disease, 10 being the highest. The two things that stand out in my mind are that she told me that my score for cancer was a 9, and that the levels of toxicity in my body were very high. I remember shutting down at this information, making myself believe that her stupid machines were wrong. When I got to the car though, I broke down in tears. There was a part of me that knew that there was some truth in what she had shared with me (although I don’t feel that the way she went about it was all that masterful). But how could this be? I ate a vegetarian diet, I bought mostly organic food, I didn’t drink alcohol, I thought I was working on releasing stuck emotions, I meditated diligently, I was even teaching and guiding others to be healthy! I felt discouraged, angry, scared and confused. I pushed the information away for awhile, until shortly after, I felt compelled to see a local acupuncturist who came highly recommended by friends. He told me that my liver was blocked. After seeing him a few times and taking the herbs that he had prescribed he didn’t see much change in my liver. Around the same time a PAP test revealed that the abnormal cells on my cervix were still present and I was told to go for further tests with a specialist.
I asked the guides about these issues in a private reading with my friend. I thought they could tell me what dietary or lifestyle changes I might make to heal myself. They told me that the only way was to heal my emotions. While it was true that anger and irritability were a constant issue for me, I guess I felt that if I could just perfect my lifestyle a little more, I might not actually need to look at it. I asked them where the anger came from and they said that it didn’t matter, just heal it. Now I had no choice. My body was suffering, and if I was honest I still had issues in many other areas of my life. I had to find a way.
I began to bring my body into my meditations more often and started receiving information and guidance. One day I was meditating on my cervix and the name of a local naturopath kept flying through my mind. It was persistent and only went away when I agreed I would make an appointment with her. Another time, I was meditating on my liver, and a memory from my childhood suddenly came back to me with great clarity and detail. I was staining the back fence with my sister and we decided to paint our whole bodies with the varsol that my mom had given us to clean the brushes. I clearly saw that my liver had gone into a sort of shock with the toxic burden and that it was still feeling the energetic and chemical effects 35 years later. The naturopath that I saw confirmed the presence of solvents in my body and the state of my liver.
I saw that in order to heal my cervix, I needed to deal with the overall toxicity in my body. Since the liver is the primary organ of detoxification it was to be my focus. The liver also holds anger so I knew that if my liver was to heal and release chemicals I needed to allow the anger to surface and work its way out. I realized for myself, that no matter how great our lifestyle choices are, when the body is tight with emotions it can’t take in nourishment and it can’t let go of toxins.
Some of the other things that I felt drawn to bringing into my Deep Healing were energy work sessions, counseling sessions, dietary shifts (letting go of heated oils, more living foods, decreasing and eventually eliminating dairy, among others), a juice fast, and a couple of silent retreats.
One of the silent retreats was particularly significant for me. It was to be a 5-day retreat spent with my teacher, Adyashanti, at a centre on the ocean near San Francisco. I felt compelled to dedicate the retreat to healing anger. I had no idea how that would manifest as there didn’t seem to be anything that could possibly anger me in this idyllic setting. There I was, nothing to do but meditate and listen to Adya speak, with 300 like-minded people (that I wouldn’t be interacting with!), near the ocean, one gorgeous sunny day after the next. I’d even arranged in advance to have special vegan and mostly raw meals.
At these retreats, you are asked to choose a seat in the meditation hall at the beginning of the day and to return to the same seat at every sitting. In the early morning meditation of the first day, I noticed that the man beside me had a lot of gurgling coming from his stomach. I thought ‘okay he’ll have breakfast and it will go away’. But alas, it continued at every meditation sitting for the rest of the day. I got more and more irritated as the day progressed. I had paid so much money to get here and he was interfering with my meditations and ruining my retreat! I made a note to myself to avoid him the next day!
The next morning I woke up already grumpy and I remember looking around in the dining hall feeling extreme judgement for all of these ‘so-called spiritual people’ eating bacon, eggs, coffee, etc. Didn’t they know how animals suffered? How could they want the end of their own suffering but not recognize what happened to the animals that they were eating? How could they be so naïve as to believe that they could even have the slightest spiritual experience without taking care of their body? And on and on… At lunch I was so overwhelmed by my emotions that I inhaled three buns with an extremely generous portion of butter, obviously not part of my vegan, raw regime! What irony!
After lunch there were three 40 minute meditation sittings separated by a 30 minute break. As I sat in the first one, struggling with irritation and judgment I heard some beeping coming from behind me. Someone’s watch was going off every couple of minutes or so! As I recall this from a healed perspective, I can feel God smiling. Be careful what you ask for! At the time though, it just added fuel to the fire. Why didn’t he leave? God, people are so ignorant! What a clueless idiot! By the end of the meditation I was even more infuriated, but decided that I would stay when everybody left so that I could have some peace and quiet and hopefully a ‘good’ meditation. I needed relief from what I was feeling, it was so intense. Well, most people did leave. My friend with the watch did not. He decided to stay and fix it. Now it was beeping every 10 seconds! I turned around, gave him a dirty looked, pointed at the sign that I had around my neck (it said ‘in silence’ so that staff and people attending other events would know), pointed at him and then the door! He looked at me in a bewildered way (I can’t even imagine what he might have thought about this crazy woman) and didn’t move. By this time I felt like I needed to just get out of there. But where to go? I practically ran to the ocean and collapsed in a heap in a sand dune. As the sand, warmth, and sound of ocean waves embraced me, I softened and the anger gave way to sadness mixed with fear, and finally, a flood of tears. It felt like I was digging up emotions from the floor of my pelvis as wave after wave of heaving, and choking sobs came up. I missed the second afternoon meditation but what transpired on the beach that day was tremendously cathartic. I felt so much lighter and open-hearted. That evening I sat at the table and watched my fellow spiritual aspirants eating chicken and chocolate cake and thought: ‘Oh my goodness, look how sweet they are.’ Watching them enjoy their food was so beautiful!. The veil had lifted and I could only see with the eyes of love.
Later that year, when I went back to my naturopath to be tested she asked me to share with her what I was doing as there had been drastic positive changes in my body that she felt could not possibly be attributed to the homeopathic remedies that she had prescribed for me. The physical issues that I mentioned earlier either halted or reversed themselves. I’m no longer doing readings with my friend, as all things pass away when they have served their purpose. My health continues to improve, and at 52 I feel better than I ever have. Anger isn’t a problem for me anymore, although it continues to be a beautiful teacher. I’m still driven by an unquenchable thirst for truth, do my best to honor my body for the amazing gift that it is, and am awed by the perfection of Life in every moment no matter what it looks like on the surface.